Bekki

04:41 pm: blah
hghfghfg

02:25 pm: OK Help
Everyone has little side things with moods, etc. How do I get those?

02:23 pm: Testing
Trying again

02:21 pm: Testing
OKY doky...it is the rebirth of the Live Journal. Just testing things out!

01:19 pm: Trying again
Well, I updated yesterday, and sure enough Live Journal failed me again. :( I have been toying with the idea of just putting my journal on my home page. It may just be easier to do it in html. I am too lazy to learn how to put links and pictures up here and it drives me crazy. So we shall see.
Anyway, I was saying, I have not been myself lately, and I feel HORRIBLE about it. I am doing things, or not doing them I should say, that are not like me a bit. For example, people sent me gifts and greetings for my birthday, and I never thanked them. I know this sounds generic, but please accept my thanks here. For reasons unknown to me I probably won't get around to it any other way. THANK YOU. I sent hardly any christmas cards this year, only family who hasn't seen the kids in awhile got cards. And I have pictures sitting here that need to be mailed to my inlaws, dad, and grandma. WHY don't I just do it?? I have no idea!! I just don't feel like it.
I have been completely exhausted. I wonder if that is why I am so lazy. Or maybe being lazy is why I am exhausted. Anyway, I am having major insomnia. I lay awake and just think. ABOUT NOTHING!! I just can't shut my brain off. Mom says that is my dad in me, the brain that never shuts off. If only it would do something productive while it was on. *sigh* Or perhaps it just comes with having three little ones running around.
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Speaking of the little darlings...what a day we are having. Poor Dillon woke up throwing up. He has a fever but won't take anything. Matthew has a fever and a headache, but he is feeling better because he took some medicine. And Collin is TEETHING!!! Course Matt is at work, so I am spreading myself mighty thin today. But look, at this moment, all three of them are asleep. Does that ever happen?? Not here!
I have been focusing lots of time to being a better mommy. I am realizing that I have catching up to do with Matthew and Dillon. I don't feel like I know them as well as I would like too. But it is never too late, and they are young, so I have lots of hope for us. I will keep you posted on the progress. I have to say, last week I only yelled a couple times and they didn't get one single swat. I am so proud of me. Also, they have a responsibility chart that they get magnets for if they do something, or don't do it. Anyway, on Thursday they got all their magnets. I was so proud, that never happens. A biggie is no hitting, and just in a week that has cut down dramatically. Yes, we are on the road to happiness!! :)
Uh oh, Matthew just woke up and wants me to sleep with him, so I need to go. But I need to update about Collin's drs appt. So I will be back later.
Oky doky, the boys are back asleep. Dillon joined us. He is a little furnace, poor thing.
OK so Collin's 4 month check up. He is weighing in at 18 lbs 8 oz and is 26 1/2 in long. My biggest boy so far. He is very healthy. We finally got a prescription for his eczema, and what a difference it is making. She thinks he may have soriosis on his head though. I want to look it up, but I spell it wrong and I can't find it. If anyone knows how to spell it right, could you please tell me? If his head hasn't cleared up by his 6 month check he is off to the dermatologist. I was looking in the other boys' baby books to see how big they were now, and came across when they rolled over. The other 2 both went from their tummy to their back first, Collin on the other hand can't seem to master that skill yet. Maybe cause he is so rolly poly when he is on his tummy??

03:06 pm: Conveniences
I have so much to say today that I don't know where to even start. Lucky you. I always tend to get long winded, it must get boring to you. Maybe I should try and update daily, then I wouldn't have so much to say all at once. The problem is trying to steal a few moments to actually get my thoughts out.
First big thought!! We are gonna do it. We are going to Toledo to see Carrie and go to the zoo. Aimee thought I was crazy to go all the way to Toledo when Cleveland has a perfectly fine zoo with lights. But the more I think about it, the more it doesn't seem crazy to me. When we lived in Klamath Falls we thought nothing of going to Medford. It was only 1 1/2 hours away as opposed to 2 1/2 hours, but still. We also rarely thought twice about going to Redding, that was like 3 hours away. Anyway, it is worth it. I get to see Carrie again, and I love their zoo. The weather is so mild too, it will be perfect I do believe.
Second big thought! I have come to the conclusion that our society is too convenient. We want everything, and we want it now. I am vowing to try and not be so convenient. I came to this conclusion when someone asked me, about cloth diapers "well they aren't as fast are they?" Have we become so hurried that we can't take time to change a diaper?? My goodness! I don't know exactly what I will do, but I am thinking about it. Come January I am going to really try to stick to Once a Month cooking, then I won't want to have the convenience of fast food. I HATE doing it. But I LOVE the results. So we shall see. Any other ideas?? I yell at my kids. It is convenient, it stops the action...for the time. I am going to REALLY try to come up with a better solution. I am going to be me. Not that this has anything to do with convenience....
I was asked the other day if it was time for Collin to be in his own room. Goodness, the child isn't even in his own bed, nevermind his own room. I know, gasp, groan, moan...but this is how we are. I started parenting vowing to not spank. Well, I feel like I was pressured into it, my kids just weren't well enough behaved, to some people. It must stop. They aren't any better behaved now that I have spanked them than they were. I must stand up for myself. I must realize that what I do with my kids is MY business. Not the outside worlds. If I want my baby to sleep with me, so be it. If I don't want to spank them, so be it. If I want to homeschool them, it is up to us!! I say it is MY business, but I mean mine and Matt's, just not yours or anyone elses.
How did I get off on that tangent?? This whole entry probably makes no sense. You see, I just get so much in my head that I want to write down and it gets all jumbled. Oh well, I know what I mean, and I guess that is all that matters.
Last big though! I think I am too judgemental. See, I guess I am a hypocrite. I JUST said I didn't want people to judge me for how I raise my kids and yet I do the same thing. Big thing to think about. I just have no sympathy for mommies who don't HAVE to work, yet choose too, and then complain about their kids being in daycare. Harsh? Maybe so. I need to work on that. I just think we were given our babies to raise, not to let other people raise. But like I just said, it is none of my business. I must work on that.
Sorry this is so crazy!!

07:28 pm: Blah
I have nothing really to say!! How sad. I am just bored. Actually, I wanted to make some cookies, but I just don't feel in the baking mood. But they look really good. Peanut butter chocolate. MMMMMMMMMM I keep thinking that I would eat way too many if I actually make them, so maybe I shouldn't. And don't even talk to me about will power, I have none.
Let's see....since we last talked what has happened? Oh yes, we went to Zoo lights, the day AFTER my birthday, the boys were good so we went. It was really fun. I still prefer the Toledo zoo, but it was ok. Lots of lights, and the boys are into that this year. Hmmmm, Carrie, does Toledo zoo have zoolights?? I am feeling a day trip coming on. Or I should say, evening trip. That could be fun. I LOVE that zoo. And the weather is still so mild it isn't bad being out at night.
Oh guess what I got for my birthday?? SOCKS!!! Yep socks. I was thrilled. I have a problem buying things for me. I know, you are saying, but it is only socks. This is true, but I prefer to be barefoot, so it seems like a waste of money to me. Anyhow, Matt finally said enough is enough. He threatened to throw away all my socks so I would HAVE to buy new ones. I said to go ahead, I would go barefoot. LOL I know, I am impossible. I just would prefer to spend my money on my kids. Anyway, that was what I got from him and the boys. White and colored. Woohoo!! From my mom I got diapers!!! YAY!! I got 6 Fuzzi Bunz and lots of inserts for them. I am also getting a diaper pale from her! YIPPEE!!! I don't know if I have mentioned that I am cloth diapering now. I am so upset with me for waiting 5 years to do this. I actually love it. Collin is even in them at night! :) Anyway, fuzzi bunz are a kind of cloth diaper. I have 2 already so that will give me 8. YAY!!! It feels so good to do this for Collin. I like doing what is the best for my kiddos. Mom started on me when Dillon was a little over 2. She had heard a report that now that the boys who were in disposables are finally growing up, they are discovering a lot more of them are sterile from the heat of the disposables. Is this true?? Beats me. But why risk it?? Not to mention the other stuff in them. It is funny to me, because everyone says, eeeewww that is so gross. But last night I was at the olive garden and there was a diaper in the trash beside the changing table, and it turned my stomach. To me, IT was gross, not the cloth. Call me weird, I don't care.
Hmmm what else?? I got money from my grandma and grandpa. I spent the money from grandpa on books. Of course I got a box set of Pat the Cat and Friends, for the boys, and then 2 parenting books. I need a life, huh?? Grandma says I have to use her money on something impractical for me. That is going to be tough!! I REALLY have a hard time spending money on me.
I went shopping with some friends last night, and they were looking at clothes. Boy, I am sooo out of style it isn't even funny. They are trendy girls, and here is me, sahm who could care less. I WAS going to get a perm to liven my hair up, but it is falling out so much that I really think that wouldn't be in my best interest. I would spend oodles to walk out completely bald. No thanks. The girls I was with have careers and no kids so that is the difference. Money AND they have to go out in the world looking presentable. Sheesh, listen to me, I sound like an old lady. Oh well, someday we may have some money and I can be in style again. Course, by then what I have NOW could be back in style. It has been out so long, it is only a matter of time!!

09:16 am: Happy Birthday Me!!
Ok so I am a day late. I seem to do that often. Anyway, yesterday was my birthday. 26. Gettin old! Everyone feels the need to ask, "so how does it feel to be 26?" or whatever year you turn. Somehow it always feels exactly the same as the day before. I just wish that someday I would feel like an adult. I still very much feel like a kid. It is weird to think that. I mean, good grief, I am in my 8th year of marriage and have 3 kids. I have already been through alot more than most people my age, yet I still feel like a kid.
Anyway, yesterday started out ok. And then it got REALLY bad. Then it got a little better. LOL Matt had a final to take and for some reason the kids decided to be horrible. I don't know what got into them, but I was at my wits end. Finally, when Matt came home I went downstairs and did some laundry and just stayed away awhile. When I came back I was feeling much better.
One thing that happened was the Christmas tree got broken. It is a fake tree, and it got knocked over and the base broke beyond repair. I was so upset. It was an accident that it happened, but had the guilty party been listening to me, it wouldn't have happened. I have been wanting a tree for a corner in my living room, so I convinced Matt to take me to home depot to buy a tree that we can put lights on for Collin. He is just fascinated with them. What a pain to have to undecorate a tree that is laying on it's side. :(
Last night Matt took me out to eat. We went to Chi Chi's simply because we have never been there. It was alright, but not somewhere we will go back to. I really miss the west coast authentic mexican food. I just wanna pop into La Fiesta and order an adventure plate. YUMMMM
I got so many e-greetings yesterday, it made me feel so good. Thank you everyone. :)
I think tonight we are going to try and go to zoo lights. Basically, christmas lights at the zoo. I hear it isn't that exciting, but I think the kids would enjoy it. And it is free for us, all the better. We were going to go last night, but the kids refused to take a nap like they were supposed to, so we didn't go. Thankfully, today Dillon is still asleep, so he won't have to take a nap. It feels a little more chilly than yesterday though. Last night would have been perfect. Oh well.
Totally on a side note...I am losing my hair. I know you lose hair after having a baby, but this is a bit much. Last night mom pointed out 2 bald spots. I am horrified. I never lost hair with Matthew and Dillon, but I never took any birth control with them either. I am wondering if that could be the culprit. So I quit taking it to see. If you know me personally, you know I have super thick hair, and for me to have bald spots is BAD. I can also put my hair in a pony tail and wrap a scrunchy around it three times, I have never in my life been able to do that, it is usually only twice. So we shall see if it slows down once the hormones get out of my body. Wonder how long that takes.
That's it for me. Gotta go get ready to do school work, oops Collin is awake.

09:44 pm: Letter to Santa
I get this email every year. This year I decided to put it here. It always makes me cry, call me crazy, I don't care!!
Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year.

I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be to much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours always.....Mom

PS: One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa

10:41 am: so much to say
I have so much to say today, but everytime I try and sit down someone gets the grouchies. Poor Dill wasn't feeling too well yesterday and was having meltdowns over EVERYTHING. He finally fell asleep on the couch and slept for a few hours and then felt a bit better. So I am gonna try to say everything right now. LOL By the way, this could get lengthy, so go potty, grab a drink before you sit down. :)
For those of you who don't know, there are email lists that a person can join. You can go and search for a subject that interests you, sign up and join a community of people who share the same interest. The first one I was a member of was called 'cleft talk' and it was so very helpful to me. So then I got brave and wanted to join another one. My friend, Michelle, had told me she was on some lists with women trying to conceive. Well, this was in the summer of 99 and Matt and I were discussing when the next baby would come along. I really wanted a 2000 baby so my kids would be 96, 98, 00. So I joined a list called 2000baby. I didn't realize how lucky I was to find this group of women until I started joining other lists with different topics. I struck gold on my first try. I formed a bond with these girls, and I never knew it was really possible to do that without meeting them in real life.
Eventually, we began to take different courses in life. For example, some got pregnant, some were dealing with infertility, some were just waiting till a later time to try. So a group of us split off and formed our own group that was no longer a trying to conceive group, instead it was a few close friends with which we could share our deepest secrets. We grew CLOSE. And yet, none of us "knew" the others. Sure we talked on the phone now and again, but that was it. It is a big country you know!! Now to mention our member who doesn't even live in the country! These girls were the only people, besides Matt and Michelle, who knew I was pregnant. And they were where I turned when I miscarried. I can still see Carrie's words telling me to go lay down with my feet up. But I couldn't. I knew I was going to lose my baby, and I wanted to talk to someone, so naturally that is where I turned.
So that was a long piece of history to get to this weekend. LOL Carrie lives right outside of Toledo. Now, can I tell you, we have been here 2 years, and yet I never took the time to get over there and meet her! BAD ME!!!!
Oh boy, Collin is crying. I will have to come finish this later!!
OK so it is now 10 hours later and I have lost my train of thought!! Lucky you!!
Ok, so Toledo and Carrie. This last weekend was Matt's drill weekend and there was a christmas party. So we tagged along with him and I finally got to hang out with Carrie. I could have never guessed how natural it would be. I have to admit I was a bit nervous. I figured we could always talk about the kids if there was any kind of lull. But there never was. It was like 2 old friends who hadn't seen each other in a long time and had much to catch up on.
I will be visiting her more!! :)
Today it was 75! Soooo nice. So I took the boys to a metro park where we walked and ran and learned about beaver houses, ducks, and trees. We walked around for 3 hours. I think I will take family there next time anyone comes to visit. It is fun. I used to hate the idea of a metropark, cause it bugged me that they had to set this big area aside to have any kind of nature around. Now I don't mind so much. It still sucks that there is just concrete everywhere, where trees used to be. Guess that is how it is out here.
Everyone is doing well here. And I am pooped, so I am gonna get. Sorry if this was boring. I just wanted the girls I talked about to know how much they truly mean to me. Thanks guys.